"He cheated with me. I mean on me," are the words that clumsily slipped from my lips during my dream-come-true fifteen-minute interview on the Dr. Oz Show. The good doctor even called me on it! My incorrect choice of words fired off a glaring flare that screamed to Dr. Oz, "There's more to this story here." During my sixteen-year career at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives (ATF), I trained cops, lawyers, and judges within ATF, FBI, CIA, DIA, and state and local law enforcement how to recognize both verbal and nonverbal flares and probe deeper to get to the truth.
What happened with my slip-up? While I was discussing my story about how Bill, a former boyfriend I lived with for a while in DC, cheated on me, my brain went rogue and images of my disappointed Irish Catholic parents flashed in front of my eyes. Until this very moment, they did not know that I was living with Bill when I moved to DC (and they were not big Bill fans). The internal dialogue I was having did not allow me to focus on my external dialogue, resulting in my verbal misstep. With over 3.5 million viewers, I wanted to stop the cameras and start over, but just like being unfaithful to your spouse, once you make the mistake it's there forever. It becomes part of your legacy.
A study conducted in 2002 by Atwood and Schwartz showed that 45-55 percent of married women and 50-60 percent of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship. Are you able to spot, like Dr. Oz did, the clues that indicate there's more to the story? More importantly, do you have the confidence to confront the evidence that's right in front of you? If you're mentally prepared to ferret out the truth about your man's love life, continue reading. However, if you want to remain in the dark, stop now - because I'm sorry to say, if you find there was in fact a problematic truth to uncover, his cheating habit now becomes your problem.
!!! CAUTION: As I mention in detail in my book, YOU SAY MORE THAN YOU THINK: A 7-Day Plan For Using the New Body Language to Get What You Want, we all need to stop mind reading; instead let's think and act like investigators. When you spot the verbal and nonverbal indicators of deception that I mentioned on the show and below, tread lightly. Remember to always first read their baseline, and when they deviate from their baseline (at least three times) ask a powerful question, such as "Is there any reason why you might slip up and accidentally become intimate with another woman?" or "What would you say if I told you a woman called me last week and explained that she was having an affair with you and she has evidence she wants to show me?" or "Is there any reason why you smirked when I asked you who you were with last night?" or "Is there any reason why you'd be nervous right now?"
Ready for this? I know you are... Take three deep breaths and read on.
SOME VERBAL INDICATORS OF DECEPTION:
Liars, We're Watching Your "Buts":
"I know you're going to think I'm making this up, BUT..."
"I know you think I'm lying, BUT"
"I know this isn't going to make sense, BUT..."
"Just ask my friends they'll tell you I'd never cheat on you!"
Common Deception Statements:
"I knew this was going to happen to me!"
"Are you asking me if I'm cheating on you?"
"What kinds of person do you think I am?"
"I'd have to be stupid to cheat on you!"
"Why would I cheat on you?"
No vs. Never:
Liars will often use the word "never" instead of "no" when you confront them. "Nevers" are simply an attempt at trying to convince us that they are telling us the truth.
Pronoun No No's:
When your partner is cheating and you confront him, he may use the pronouns "we" and "us" and if he does consider yourself warned because these pronouns always indicate there is a partnership, i.e. "We occasionally have lunch together but that's it, there's nothing romantic between us." - BUSTED!
SOME NONVERBAL INDICATORS OF DECEPTION:
An Increase in Manipulators:
A "manipulator" is any time your man touches one part of his body with another part of his body, i.e., rub his neck, throat or leg, touch his nose, run his tongue across the front of his teeth, etc.
Liars may direct their belly button toward the door once you turn up the heat. This move is sending the signal that they want to get out of there.
They've Got to Move it, Move it:
Liars will often adjust their bodies during or after a lie to let off the stress and anxiety.
At the end of my segment, I spoke directly to the cheating husbands out there and pleaded with them to protect the integrity of their legacy. When a spouse cheats, it not only affects their married and professional life, but also the lives of their children and grandchildren. Enough is enough.
***BONUS BACKSTAGE UPDATE***
Seconds after leaving the Dr. Oz stage, the married man who was highlighted during the show as a reformed "cheater" approached me. He whispered, "I did all the things you talked about in your segment and my wife just didn't catch me."