"No subject is off the table," Dr. Oz said regarding my blog. I'm sharing a very personal blog today in hopes that someone else may wake up.
Like a lot of people, I've had my ups and downs with dating and relationships. Being an artist, I always felt very sensual and have always considered myself a very passionate person, even when I weighed 265 pounds. But like many people, while I was in a loving 8-year relationship, I steadily grew heavier and heavier. I wasn't even aware of it at the time. We would eat more than we should in front of the TV, and the next thing I knew, it was time to go to bed and we had just finished off the pint of ice cream.
Did I use food as a scapegoat for my lack of sexual intimacy? Probably. Did I use it to soothe my soul that was hungry to share my sexual side with someone that I loved? Most definitely. We never really addressed it. My relationship had become less and less intimate despite our love for each other. I had shut down my sexual side. My partner was not particularly sexual, so I unconsciously let my own needs fall by the wayside.
Instead, I put my focus on creating a world of beautiful things around me by building up my illustration career. I focused on creating beauty all around me with my Victorian house renovations, gardens and being creative in the kitchen. I was allowing my body to get heavier. I was putting all my unused sexual energy everywhere else except in my relationship. I didn't feel anything in my body at all – except fat.
I slowly realized I was not living in balance as a whole sensual sexual being. I said “Enough is enough." It was if a lightning bolt struck me down and said, "Bonnie, you cannot live like this any longer." I was living outside my fat suit when I needed to live in unison with my body and find that balance in my skin. I needed to feel sensual and sexual. I wanted to feel sexually attractive to my partner whether that meant ending my relationship or not.
I finally brought up my sadness about the lack of intimacy with my partner. After talking with counselors, we ended up breaking up. I was devastated at the time, but knew the change needed to happen. Everything needed to change; the way I ate, the way I lived, and the way I perceived myself.
I woke up my sexual side! I had confidence! I felt alive! I began to love myself more and that's when I began on the journey to lose 130 pounds. Even in the process of losing the weight, while I still had my fat suit on, I felt more sexual. My self confidence brought love to me!
And now that I've dropped the weight and am living without the fat suit it's easy to feel sexual and whole. I am projecting to others that I am a confident sexual being by being comfortable in my skin. No more hiding! No be being asleep ever again!
People respond to me differently because I am different. I feel sexy in my clothes. Men and women flirt with me now for the first time in my life! They even call me hot! And I made this happen. I'm still single and hope to find that long-term love again. Meantime, I love my 'new' self and my new life.