DENIAL. That single word encompasses so much of how I used to think, act and feel on a daily basis. I was in personal denial, living with the blinders on, as well as being in total disbelief regarding others' feelings and actions towards me. I felt as though, if I ignored reality, certain things just didn't exist. Living that way almost seemed as though I could shake fairy dust and anything unpleasant would turn into roses. I'm sure most of you are scratching your heads and wondering where in the world I am going with this!
Today, my inbox had a message from an old and dear friend who I cut out of my life because I had gained so much weight. I saw the email and my gut just didn't want to read it. This particular person used to be one of my best friends. But as the years passed and the pounds piled on, I began to pull myself away from people that I knew and loved dearly.
When I got married, I could not bear to have her see me on my wedding day looking so disgusting, so I made the decision to deny her an invitation. I blew it off in my mind by convincing myself saying, "Why would she want to come such a far distance to see me get married when we were just having a small and intimate celebration at my parents’ house? I won't obligate her by inviting her, when she wouldn't even want to make the trip."
I was saddened, but hoped she would understand. Deep down I wanted her there, but was too embarrassed by myself that I selfishly pushed her feelings aside. I also chose to not invite others that hadn't seen me at my ultimate worst for the very same reason.
There were many friendships that I denied. I turned down being in a dear friend’s wedding because I felt as though my appearance in her photos would ruin them and my ghastly body would stick out like a sore thumb next to all the other skinny bridesmaids.
I made excuse after excuse for the choices I made and the people I hurt. I wish I could take it all back. I wish the years of feeling judged and glared at didn't affect the way I interacted with people in my life. It is hard for me to understand why people that don't know me actually want to be my friend. When I was heavy, the only friends that stuck by my side were the very people I stabbed in the heart. I assumed their feelings towards me must have changed because to outsiders that didn't know me, I was seemingly unlovable.
I still, to this day, am working on breaking my walls down. Sometimes I feel as though the walls I built around myself could withstand armageddon! So, today in writing this blog, I am trying to make myself vulnerable, lay my weaknesses out on the table and release the denial I've chosen to live in. I’m admitting that my choices have hurt those that actually cared about me. It's ironic that I hurt people as a direct result of being hurt! One would think if you've been the one injured, you would do everything in your power to not inflict pain onto anyone else.
All of those people in my life that I have wounded, you know who you are. I love you all as much as I did when we laughed and shared life together! There is so much life left to live and I don't want to keep my head in the sand any longer. The years I had being so heavy left a lot of baggage behind; I am still unloading my trunk! But, I'm at my destination and it's about time I settle into this new "home" of mine. I want to invite you all in!