It's 4:53 a.m.
I can't sleep. My body's clock is all confused. My doctor told me no gym and no physical work for 30 days. I'm devastated. I have a back injury which is a result from a car accident and was re-injured recently at work. Thus far I have not been to the gym in about 14 days. This is the longest stretch that I have not been able to work out since the beginning of my weight loss journey 3 years ago. I feel so lost.
I have to give my back a rest and wait to hear what the MRI results say. Athletes get injured all the time and are back at their craft in no time. Why am I having such a hard time accepting this stillness? Why am I feeling so anxious about sitting on the sofa with my back brace? Some people would love to have a 30 day pass and would relish in the thought of being on the sofa with their laptop without a care in the world – but not me.
I guess for me versus an athlete, the irrational fear of losing my way and slipping back to the old heavy me is present in my mind. I know consciously I will never be that person again. But sitting here, still, without the gym as part of my day – I feel so lost and depressed. I feel as though my day is not complete.
I am scared. In just these few weeks since my injury, I see the changes in my body. I'm up a few pounds. Some of my muscle mass has diminished. My face isn't as lean. I know that this is all temporary. But the reality is I don't like these changes. I know that I will have to work doubly hard upon return to the gym to get back to my military style pushups and my crazy cardio intervals. My body will have to rebuild its strength carefully and slowly so as not to reinjure itself again.
I'm a warrior, friends remind me. I will get through this and I will work even harder to get even stronger than before! My body will remember how it was a few weeks back – the lean strong machine that it was. I remember what that felt like to be able to push through incredible physical challenges.
Maybe I could make nice with my very beige colored non-Madonna-like non-sexy corset and decorate it with glitter and studs! Now there's an idea! Will somebody lend me their glue gun? In the meantime, reality bites.